Dear Diary,

The original 5 and their fearless leader:

what-happened-to-alex-karev-on-greys-anatomy-spoilers.webp

Christina Yang

Meredith Grey

Izzie Stevens

George O'Malley

Alex Karev

Miranda Bailey

First Week of Intern Year: March 27th, 2005

Christina:

The vroom of my motorcycle powered the adrenaline that coursed through my veins. The wind was hitting my face, as I rode across the bridge. My helmet held back all of my dark curls. I took the first motor vehicle parking spot I could find. It was still dark outside, but I didn’t care. Today was the day. Surgeries, surgeries, bloody surgeries. I took off my helmet and looked around. There wasn't anyone I saw that I couldn’t take down with my beautiful brain. I locked my motorcycle and took my usual, confident strides into the intern locker room. I was an hour earlier than everyone else, obviously. I put my keys in my locker and got out my banana and suture set that I took from the supply closet on orientation day. First, I attempted the square knot. Piece of cake on my right hand. But my damn left hand. Ding. The door knob began turning. My first competitor was about to walk through the door. But, to my dismay, in walked this curvaceous, tall, blonde. She must have the wrong place, I thought. She stood in front of me, with her hand held out. Her smile was enormous. No one should have a smile that big. “Hi! I’m Izzie”. She smiled as she said it. Who would smile while introducing themselves with a name like that? Izzie, surely there hasn’t been a Harper-Avery Winning surgeon that has the name Izzie. I laughed at her. “I’m Christina. But, this is the surgical intern locker room. Peds is on the second floor.” She laughed back, “I am a surgical intern. Surgery is hardcore, like me. I’m hardcore.” Okay Izzie, I think, maybe you are more than a blonde prom queen afterall.

The rest of them walked in. Dr. Bailey read five names but only four came, the pressure already got to one. I heard that Dr. Bailey is as tough as they come, so I was thrilled when I got assigned to her. In my group, there was a small guy and a douchey-looking guy, along with Izzie, so I know I’m already in the top half of our group. We were brought into the operating room by Dr. Webber, the chief of surgery. As I walked in , I was in disbelief. I had been in an operating room before, but never as a surgical intern. The last time I walked into an OR I was a graduated medical student, and now I am a surgical intern at one of the best surgical programs in the country. The operating room seemed newer, shinier, better than ever before. Even though Dr. Bailey told us that we are at the bottom of the surgical food chain, I think I already have skills to put me somewhere in the middle. I refuse to think of myself as a minnow. Dr. Webber just started giving us this bright-eyed and bushy-tailed speech, when in walked this skinny girl. I smirked and laughed to myself. Late on the first day, what a waste of a spot in this program.

So it’s about 12 hours later, and we were all having lunch. By all of us, I mean all of Bailey’s interns, including the fifth one that showed up late and I thought was a waste of a spot. Well, I literally spit out my water when I found out that this same waste-of-a-spot skinny girl is THE ELLIS GREY'S DAUGHTER! There aren’t many times that I admit to being wrong, but wow was I wrong. Meredith Grey is her name. And honestly, there is something about her that I love. I really wanted to not love her. I wanted to be better than her. I wanted nepotism to be the reason she is here. But, I really don’t think any of that is true. I mean, I still think I am a better intern than her and will be a better surgeon than her. But, I don’t know… there is something about her that just clicks with me. Like she gets me. She gets the need to be hardcore. She is much more subtle about it than me, but it’s definitely there. Right around the time that I found out that Meredith is Ellis’s daughter, we all also found out that Burke chose GEORGE TO SCRUB IN ON THE FIRST SURGERY!!! GEORGE! GEORGE?!?! GEORGE???? “The intern with the most promise” are the exact words that Dr. Burke said. I literally laughed. I thought he was kidding. Now, talk about a waste. I can’t wait to see this shit show.

Yep, I was right. Shit. Show. A show full of shit. George stood in the OR gallery and looked like the patient’s appendix was going to bite him. I mean, at least he could identify the appendix. I put $75 down that he wouldn’t be able to. But, he did, and then, he successfully got the appendix out. But, when he had to invert the stump into the secum and pull up on the purse strings, it all went to hell. He. Ripped. The. Secum. What a rookie. I mean, yes, we are all rookies, but he is the most rookie out of all of us rookies. And then, he had a bleeder. And instead of starting suction like a normal non-idiotic person, he choked and just stood there. Dr. Burke was right when he called him a “pansy ass idiot”, but Alex was even more spot on when he called him

"0-0-7".

Izzie:

I woke up in the most fabulous mood. I strolled downstairs at 4:45, and I was up before the sun. I opened the curtains even though I knew there wouldn't be any sun to brighten up my apartment quite yet. My apartment that I need to move out of ASAP. But, hopefully the most amazing interns will be in my class and I will be able to move in with some of them. They don’t even need to be surgery interns– actually maybe peds interns would be the best to live with. I am hardcore, but I don’t have the typical “surgery” prototype personality. It's the blonde hair. And the boobs. But, I am gonna show them today that I deserve to be there. Okay, breakfast Izzie. That’s the task. Oh that’s right! I made muffins yesterday: blueberry, chocolate, and lemon. Who wouldn’t want me as a roommate?? I bake muffins!!!!

I put my hair up into a clip and dashed out the door. I grabbed a map from the front of the hospital when I arrived. Even though I came here for orientation a few weeks ago, I couldn't remember where I was going. Oh Well! I have always been great at reading maps, so I grab one from the welcome booth. 3rd floor. I finally navigated to the surgical intern locker room. I was the second one there. My first friend was sitting on the bench with a banana and sutures. I am about to meet my first fellow surgical intern. Smile, Izzie! You’ve got this, I whispered to myself.

She has nice, pretty curls. But her face was holding a lot of tension in it that she just looked angry. Well, maybe more uptight than angry. But, I flashed her my best smile anyway. “Hi, I’m Izzie,” I sang as I held my hand out for her to shake it. Instantly, she told me I’m on the wrong floor. Peds is on the second floor, she said. “I am a surgical intern. Surgery is hardcore, like me. I’m hardcore,” I responded firmly, without my usual sweetness accompanying it. She backed off. Well, I definitely don’t want to live with her.

Soon, the rest of the interns filed in and we followed Dr. Webber into an operating room. He gave us this inspiring speech. I looked around in awe. I did this, I got myself here. Now, it is up to me to prove to myself and all of Chehalis Trailer Park that I belong here. None of the interns look like they would be the best roommates.

All of the sudden another intern walked in, attempting, but failing, at being stealthy because she was late. Ooooh she is pretty, though! Maybe she could be my roommate?

Poor George. He had to perform an appendectomy because Burke chose him as the “intern that shows the most promise”. Seriously? Seriously?? Seriously??? Honestly, I am trying to stay positive for him, but he is making it really hard. First, the OR gallery erupted with applause because he was able to identify the appendix and took it out! But, he ripped the secum, right down the middle. It was not good. I screamed at him from the gallery to do something. Burke pushed him out of the way and fixed George's mistake. It could have went a lot smoother for him.

The first day of intern year is one of the most important days for our crew. It symbolizes the start of their journey that lies ahead. But, this episode was also the most important one for Shonda. This episode had her career on the line, and she didn’t even know it at the time. She thought that Grey’s was going to be a series that would last a couple episodes, a season at most, and then the cast and crew would part ways... She couldn’t have been more incorrect. Eighteen years later, and it is still going strong. The success of the show wouldn't have been possible if it weren't for that first day of intern year.

During this episode, we are introduced to our unit: Meredith, Christina, George, Izzie, and Alex. We get a feel for their personalities and how the friendships are starting to develop. Meredith is a hot mess. Christina is hardcore. George is the underdog. Izzie is the blondie. Alex is the douchebag. The show has taken so many dramatic and wild turns since then. But even with all of the character development, plot changes, and new doctors, their first day intern selves always play a role. Even though Alex is no longer that same guy we saw from Day 1, no one ever forgets that douchebag that he used to be. Meredith is a LOT less of a hot mess now, but she wouldn’t be where she is today without having been that misguided little duckling we saw at first. The first day of intern year symbolizes lots of beginnings, as it plants the roots for all of the characters. No matter how tall the tree grows, the roots always support it.

She Shepard: May 22nd, 2005

Christina:

Yikes. She looks exactly what I would have pictured Derek’s wife to look like. She’s vintage, kind of like a younger version of Catherine Deneauve (the only reason why I know that is because my mother used to make me sit with her, watching her movies for hours). She has these naturally red lips that stay fixed in a puckered position. She also has a rich-person name “Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd”, that’s actually three rich-people last names in one. And she is triple-board certified: OBGYN, genetics, and pediatric surgery. TRIPLE THREAT. If I was interested in the gynie squad, then I would be kissing her ass. If she was a guy, I would probably be sleeping with her by now. I love Mer, but TRIPLE BOARD CERTIFIED. It's neither here nor there because these nimble fingers of mine were not meant for catching babies anyway.

I can’t believe I actually told them about my baby. The not baby. More like the clump of cells and tissue that was bundled in my uterus: Thanks Burke! But, I really felt like I had to tell Mer. I had to tell her because she is my person. They asked for a name, a person that if things went south, they would call. And I put Meredith down. She is . And therefore, I am so glad I am not looking to be part of gynie squad, because like I said before: ASS KISSING. Since cardio is my one and only love, dream and purpose, I can put my focus into hating Addison. She is a villain, as far as I’m concerned. No, actually DEREK is the villain. Forget her, let’s focus on him. HE DIDN’T TELL HER HE WAS MARRIED! Men are so stupid; they are SO the WEAKER SEX. Then there is Burke with this stupid sneaking around stuff. I am not even telling him about the baby because I handled it. I bucked up and did it, like always. But, DEREK BEING MARRIED!! As if the daddy issues that Meredith clearly has wasn’t enough, now this had to happen.

"my person"

Addison’s entrance to Seattle Grace is pure chaos. It is a volcano that erupts right as the devil herself walks in. Satin. She looks like Satin. I really think they use her image- the red hair, the red stilettos and black fur coat- as symbolism. Addison comes into the plot as the villain: from our perspective, Addie is the other woman. She is the one who just ran a train right through the MerDer relationship. The two just starting to get somewhere: Mer was finally opening up more and letting Derek in. Meredith even told the other interns about him. It was time.

But then, the She-Shepherd came and ruined everything.

When I first watched the show, I got to the end of season 1, and when Addison said her oh-so-infamous line: “And you must be the woman who’s screwing my husband,” my jaw dropped, and my mouth stayed agape for a couple minutes. I slammed the laptop shut. I moped around filled with sadness that turned into rage. But I kept watching. There had to be an alternative explanation for this. Maybe Addie was an Alzheimer’s patient that mistook Derek for her husband. Maybe she was an actress that George and Izzie hired to get back at her for the loud sex they had to put up with through their walls at night. I kept watching, ready to laugh it off, but it never came. It was the truth. Addison was really Derek’s wife.

I was crushed by this. Within thirty seconds of seeing her red bottomed stilletos and silky hair on camera, I made all of the following conclusions: Addison is that annoying woman. That annoying woman who has an amazing career and eats at fancy steakhouses with her upper Eastside friends a couple times a week. She is that annoying woman who loves to exercise and what she loves even more than exercising is telling people how much she loves exercising. She is that annoying woman who somehow has time to eat breakfast, get a full night’s rest, remember other people’s birthdays, do five surgeries in a day and look fabulous while doing it. She is the woman who other woman despise. Within seeing Addison for thirty seconds on screen, I was jealous of her. Meredith is Addison’s opposite. She is the relatable one. She is the hot mess who eats cold pizza for breakfast, forgets what time she needs to be in different places, and falls asleep in the shower. Meredith is the one I loved for Derek. I wanted Derek to be with the girl who eats cold pizza for breakfast. Because we are all that girl. But, I continued watching because I knew I had to push past this obstacle. And as I continued, I realized how wrong my initial judgement of Addie was.

Over the next couple of seasons, I realized that Addison Montgomery is everything I want to be in life. It took me awhile to admit this, and it still deeply concerns me on some levels. She is a cheater: a dirty cheater who chose her husband's best friend to cheat with. She is money-hungry. She has a poor track record with the men she chooses. She can't have the one thing she desperately wants in life (a baby). She is full of insecurities. But, she is also funny as hell. She breaks rules to save patients. She is wickedly smart and beautiful. She is able to admit when she is wrong. Addison became the woman who I strive to be. She is deeply misjudged when she enters Seattle Grace. She isn't just that meal-prepping, heel-wearing, MerDer ruiner. She is a hot-mess badass. Addie is the classic case of the evil villain that becomes the fan favorite.

The second big reveal that this episode brings is Christina’s abortion. The audience knew that Christina was pregnant beforehand, but no one else did. Not even Dr. Burke, the father of the baby. In 2005, people still loved Christina Yang. But, I argue that they didn’t love her for the right reasons. People loved Christina for her unmatched sense of humor. They loved her for her candor. And, they loved her sex appeal. But, in 2005, Shonda Rhimes was trying to do something a lot bigger with Christina that audience members didn’t appreciate as much as they do now. Christina is a unicorn. And, I don’t mean because she is sparkly, happy, or soft (she is none of those things). She is a unicorn because she cares more about her career than anything else, romantic partner included. She was appalled at even the thought of having a baby. She was not dropped on her head as a child or beaten. She simply just didn’t want kids. We see this push back come up a lot more throughout the show as it continues. Somehow she finds herself in these relationships with men who want things from her that she can’t give. But, Christina ultimately always chooses herself.

I am very different from Christina Yang. If you catch me at certain times of the day, I can give off a little bit of the snarky humor she has. I can also be a shark if I want: I like to walk faster than everyone else and be the first one to get the answer right. But, aside from these surface level traits, Christina and I differ tremendously. My sister is a lot like Christina Yang, on the other hand. In fact, they even got the same ACT score. My sister and I are the best of friends now, but it was not always this way (for the readers who know Grey's Anatomy already- imagine Christina Yang and April Kepner trying to be sisters). My sister is three years younger than me. And as a 14-year-old, I was not yet mature enough to realize that my sister's successes were my successes too. Instead, I viewed her successes as something I needed to one-up. Christina Yang helped me understand my sister. When the two of us were in an argument and I didn't understand where she was coming from, I imagined that she was Christina. My sister and Christina are unicorns. They have a fierce work ethic and an unwavering drive for the things they put their mind to. It isn't that they are perfect; this is hardly true. They have their faults, but they work hard to accept that having faults is human. Despite other people's bewilderment, they are not, in fact, robots. They are two women who are deeply committed to their success.

When we learn that Christina got an abortion, we also find out that she put Meredith as her emergency contact. This is the first time we see that Meredith is Christina's person. This is the first episode that distinctly and explicitly shows what it means to be someone's person, and the amount of responsibility and honor that comes with it. Everyone needs a person; I am so thankful for mine. Even more, I am thankful that Christina and Meredith have shown us how to be there for one another through the different phases of life.

Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepard

Denny Duquette’s Death: May 15th, 2006

Christina:

I walked into them manually ventilating Denny. Izzie was crying her usual bitch baby tears. Mer had that guilty, I-just-ran-over-your-kitten look on her face. George was pacing and screaming with his dumb hand gestures. I knew exactly what was going on, but I made Izzie admit it to me. What did you do Izzie? WHAT DID YOU DO? She cut the god damn LVAD wire. Denny was dead. Unequivocally dead. His heart wasn't not pumping blood anymore. Why did they call me into that room? Just to have someone else with them to share the blame? If Christina is involved, surely we won’t get in trouble for this. If Christina is here, she can magically save the day like always. That’s what those little imbeciles were thinking.

It is all Izzie’s fault. I knew it from the first day with that big toothy smile and those wide eyes. She. is. Crazy. And worst of all, now my reputation is going to go down too. And now they have Mer all wrapped up in this. Why did I let them in? I knew better. I knew better than to start caring about others now. If this all falls on Izzie, she is going to get kicked out of the program. But that’s what she deserves. She was never hard-core enough to be a surgeon. She has way too many feelings. And now she thinks she has fallen in love with a patient? She. is. Crazy. When I was at Stanford, I only cared about myself, and I liked it that way. Everyone around me was my competitor. That’s the way I saw it, that’s the way it was. Now, I actually have feelings for these people. Izzie is crazy, yes, but I think I actually feel something for her. Is it compassion? Yes, I think that’s what it is. I think I actually might care about these four idiots. Especially Mer. I can’t let her go down for this. She is my person.

This is what happens when you let people in. You start acting like an idiot yourself. I used to be tough-as-nails. Not one other person could get in my way or waiver my focus. Now, I have to worry about these fools. Ugh I hate this. Family I think it is called. Yes, family. They are my family, and I hate it.

It has been 14 hours. 14 hours since the dance. 14 hours since Denny has died. 14 hours since I had to stand in the OR and get Burke to calm down from his bullet wound. Yes, Burke was shot. HE WAS SHOT.

I layed on the bathroom floor with Izzie. I tried to talk some sense into her. Tried to get her out of her prom dress and off of the floor. It didn’t work.

Izzie:

Pain. Despair. Despair and pain. Pain and despair. I have never known these two feelings until today. Not when I had to give up my baby at sixteen years old. Not when my mother would come back to our trailer holding our dinner in her hands: a single loaf of bread. I have never known pain and despair as well as I know them today.

I write this as I am laying on the bathroom floor. I am still clothed in my hospital prom dress. It is my attempt to preserve myself in the exact way that Denny saw me when he took his last breath. I did what I thought was best. Everything I did, I did for him. Screw Bailey and her rules. I loved him. My heart sang when I was in his presence. I felt alive. Truly alive. Surgery was never my true love. It was never meant to be my love. I was not destined to fall in love with surgery. I was meant to fall in love with Denny. And so I did. And I took him away. My two hands cut the wire that was pumping the blood into his heart. But, I got that phone call from Dr. Burke saying that Denny was not the recipient of the next heart. Denny was entered on the transplant list seventeen seconds later than the other patient, making that other guy the recipient. Everything turned hazy. I went numb. All I heard was the sound of my own beating heart. And so, I acted. I knew the only way that Denny was going to live, and I mean really live, is if he got that heart. I also knew that the only way he was going to get that heart is if he got worse. Way worse. Worse to the point of death. And so, I did it. I cut his LVAD wire. ANd it was all going to work. Dr. Burke called back and we got the heart. But then, we waited and waited in that room. And even amongst all of the chaos: George’s pacing and screaming, Mer’s guilt, Christina’s lecture. Even through all of that, all I kept my focus on was Denny. Until something didn’t feel right. Something didn’t seem right. It was taking too long. And that is when Dr. Bailey burst into the room. Dr. Burke got shot. He was shot. And that is when Dr. Hahn came in to take over. She rushed him into surgery. And that is when he proposed. He looked me right in the eye and asked me to marry him. And in that moment, I had never felt more whole. I had never felt more seen, or heard. Denny was my person. He was the one for me. The rest of my life didn’t matter. It was complete; it was all laid out for me. But, somehow, God thought that taking him away from me after the surgery was right. Somehow, this is the path that He chose for me.

I am not a surgeon any longer. I am a grieving soul. And so, I will continue lying my head against the cold tiles of the bathroom floor until I no longer feel that despair. Until I no longer feel that pain. Until I no longer feel anything.

Death. It means so many different things to different people, yet it really is one of the only phenomena that everyone, regardless of culture, language, religion and gender all experience. However, no one can make up a death scene quite like Shonda Rhimes can. She does what I like to call: shutting the door (which sometimes includes shutting the door on all of your hopes and dreams).

Each death has an impact, but not all deaths have purpose. Sometimes, the characters’ stories are not over. Sometimes, they still have lots of promise and you think they have so much more to give. You feel like the show can’t go on without their humor, without their leadership, without their presence, and Shonda Rhimes says “MUAHAHAHAHA you silly little audience member. You can, in fact, go on without them. And, you will,” and she just kills them. Sometimes, the actor just wants off. They want to spend more time with their family at home, they are sick of dealing with the Hollywood red tape, or they don’t think they get paid enough. And so, Shonda has to kill them off too. But, one important detail is that Christina Yang is one of the only characters that doesn't leave the show by death. Shonda didn’t, in fact, shut the door on Christina. She left it wide open. Wide open for her to still live on. Wide open for her to continue doing what she loves. Wide enough for her and Mer to still maintain friendship, even through long distance. Therefore, Christina’s presence still remains throughout the entirety of the series, even after she parts farewell. Shonda does kill off many other equally-as-valuable characters that you don’t see coming, though. George. Mark. Lexie. Derek. The list goes on and on.

Denny’s death serves as the show’s very first impactful death scene. And like all other deaths on the show, the greatest impact that it has is on the people living. In this case, it was Izzie who took the hardest fall after Denny's death. She was in love with him, after all. To be honest, this love confused me. I thought it all happened so quickly and came out of left field. Out of all people, though, I would have expected Izzie to be the one to fall in love with a patient. What is worse is that he proposed as it was all going on. So, it wasn’t just Izzie’s boyfriend or patient-lover that died but her fiancé: the man she thought she was going to spend the rest of her life with, gone because of her.

But, his death lingers, and it still has implications for those around him long after he is gone:

Izzie quits as a surgical intern because of Denny’s death. She stops being a surgeon because the pain is too unbearable for her. She says she quits as a punishment to herself, but I think that was just an excuse for her fear. She was scared. She was scared to go back into the OR again. She was scared to face the other patients. She was scared to face Bailey.

Bailey suffered from Denny’s death too. The whole situation happened on her watch. She was responsible for her interns; they were her ducklings. She had just become a mother and was being mommy-tracked at work by her male colleagues. As if that wasn’t enough, now, she faced repercussions for the death of Denny. Judgment concerns from other doctors. Banishment from surgeries. To Bailey, Denny’s death marked the beginning of punishment. Not in the way that it was for Izzie, but in a way that led her to lose respect. And respect is the epitome of Bailey. Everyone respects her. Which is why losing respect was equivalent to losing a piece of her soul.

Alex was impacted by Denny’s death too. He was dating Izzie before. So, when Denny came into the picture Alex got jealous. Izzie stopped dating Alex and started falling for Denny. So, naturally, Alex hated him. When the whole situation happened with Denny, Alex was the intern that went with Burke to get the heart from the donor. When Alex caught wave of what was happening, he ultimately defended the heart. It was a battle between Dr. Hahn and Dr. Burke: whose patient deserved the heart more? Dr. Hahn’s patient was registered in the UNOS system 17 seconds before Denny was. As Izzie says, “that’s not even the length of a good kiss”. So, she acted. Her instincts kicked in. She knew the only way that Denny would get that heart was if he got worse. So, she made him get worse by cutting the LVAD wire. Alex had a feeling this was happening, but there was nothing he could do. He was on the phone and heard the pain, heard the grief in Izzie’s voice. He knew what she had done. He was ready to tackle Dr. Hahn in the OR if he had to; that heart was going to be Denny’s. Of course, Alex did this for Izzie. This is the very first glimpse of the “good-guy” Alex that we get. After this happens, he turns right back into that douchebag we saw from the first day of intern year. But, him defending the heart was the proof the audience needed. The good guy was in there, very deep down inside of his evil little spawn soul, but nevertheless, it was there.

Denny himself persists even after he dies. Not just the consequences of his death but the actual being of Denny. Years after his death, Izzie was hallucinating Denny. Not just the image of him, but the physical being of him. She felt him, she touched him, she made love to him. Denny was real to her. This is how she knew that she had something wrong with her. After getting check up after check up, she realized she had a mole on her skin. But, the mole was just the beginning. The cancer started on her skin and spread to her brain. She was living with brain cancer. And Denny is how she caught it; Denny was Izzie’s angel.

Many death scenes come after Denny’s, some of which we will explore. But, Denny’s death hits everyone so hard because it is the first major death that they experience together.

Denny Duquette

Izzie's start to the grief process

Izzie’s Cancer: May 7th, 2009

Izzie:

I knew he wasn’t real, but he just seemed so real. I felt him. I touched him. I made love to him. I talked to him. I laughed with him. I cried with him. He was there. But, he wasn’t. Cancer. That doesn’t feel real. This doesn’t feel real. I have cancer. I, Izzie freaking Stevens, am living with cancer. And not one other soul knows this. Except for Denny of course. I am crazy. Because the minute I started hallucinating my dead fiance, instead of identifying the extent of the madness, I embraced it. I am now going to die. There is only a 5% chance that I won’t die. There is only one thing left to do with this information, one thing left that I can do. Teach the interns. The interns who wrongly diagnosed me with anemia and told another patient that she is dying of cancer. They switched our diagnoses. The fire that was once inside of them when they walked into the intern locker room on their first day is now gone. The fire that is supposed to be nourished and grown with more surgical experiences has instead diminished over time. The only thing left for me to do is to teach them. I am not angry at them. I am pitiful for them. We have failed them. We were supposed to be their teachers, their mentors, their role models. We have failed them. And now, my way of giving back to them is to teach them. From now on, I am Patient X. The interns will not know this is me, but they will have to use their knowledge to make my diagnosis from the beginning. Alex won’t understand. He will think that this is my way of subconsciously avoiding doing more surgeries. But, I just can’t bear to break his heart too. The moment he knows about my cancer is the moment that he dies inside. And then, I would have killed the only two men I have ever loved.

But all the bad that I am hiding is Patient X. To everyone else, Izzie is just Izzie. The same Izzie who bakes muffins and remembers birthdays. The Izzie that spent a whole work day saving a deer with a tear in the heart. The Izzie that people wonder how she got into this program. The Izzie that thinks the heart is more than just an organ that pumps blood but a vessel that stores all of the good parts of humanity. The Izzie that wears her heart on her sleeve. To others, I am still bright-eyed Izzie. But I know the truth, I am Patient X. Patient X is me.

0-0-7 & Izzie’s operation: September 24th, 2009

Callie:

This is my fault. When George left me for Izzie, I wished horrible things on her. Terrible things. Things that I have never wished on anyone before. And now, she has cancer. This is all my fault. Derek just operated on Izzie and now her brain is a mix of carrots, steamed broccoli, and potatoes. She keeps repeating the same things over and over. The surgery may have removed the cancer, but she is gorked.

In all the surgeries I have performed, all of the tests I have taken in my life, realizing I was bisexual and was going to have to eventually break the news to my Catholic family– none of that compared to this feeling. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t get enough oxygen into my lungs. The room was shrinking down, the walls were closing in on me. The tears raced down and stung my cheeks. George died. He died. He is gone. He died.

When the patient came in with those injuries from the bus crash, I never thought he would have a chance at survival. But, then when Meredith said he wrote 0-0-7 on her hand, and we realized it was George, I prayed and I prayed. I hadn't talked to God like that since I was in Sunday School. George had to make it out of this alive, he HAD to. But, Dr. Shepherd went in and there was just too much swelling. He was brain dead. And as soon as that monitor went off and his brain was leaking out of the incision site, I knew it was over. That exact moment is when the room started shrinking and my breaths sped up to match the racing of my heart. He is my ex-husband after all. My dead ex-husband. He was a good soul. I was starting to grieve until Lexie shouted that it couldn’t be George. That it was too tall to be George. Maybe she’s right. I started to get hopeful again. Hopeful that this man who was dismantled by a bus was somebody else. Not George. So, when I checked to see if he had that freckle shaped like Texas on his right hand, I closed my eyes tight. I said a quick prayer and looked down at his hand. There it was. This man was George. George was dead.

This isn’t real. This can’t be real. Mrs. O’Malley approached me in the hospital. She told me that in God’s eyes, I am still his wife. So, I need to be the one to decide if his organs will be donated. We were only married for a few months, how am I supposed to be the one to decide? Arizona says that I was the most important person in George’s life for those months, but I know that isn’t true. I know I wasn’t. So, I have to ask the person that was the most important person in his life for those few months, she’ll know what to do. When I walked into Izzie's room, it hit me. She looked so weak. Her beautiful blonde hair was gone. I have seen her like this before, but it just all hits me then. When I walked in, she was leaving George a voicemail, telling him that he can’t go into the army. She didn't know yet, she didn't know that George is gone. Alex broke the news to her, and I asked the question. I asked about each organ: his heart, his eyes, his lungs. “George would donate everything,” Izzie replied. She’s right, that’s the type of person that George was.

Bailey:

I always try to remind myself that everything has a rational explanation, that everything happens for some greater reason. That is why I cannot figure out for the life of me why this had to happen. Why did this happen? George O’Malley is dead. He DIED because he jumped in front of a bus today.

Everybody knew that George was my favorite intern. I don’t pick favorites, mostly because I usually don’t like any of them. But, I didn't just like George, I loved him. Hell, I named my kid after him. George led his life with his heart; he was a good man. A good doctor. He is the person that I hope my Tucker grows up and becomes.

When I walked into that OR and saw George prepped for organ donation, I almost lost it. I demanded that each transplant surgeon waiting to take his organs like vultures tell me where each organ would go, who they would save. When I found out that his lungs and heart were going to save a twenty two-year old with cystic fibrosis and that his kidneys were going to an eight-year old little girl with cancer, it brought me a little more peace. This is exactly what George O'Malley would have wanted.

Izzie:

I see a light, and I walk toward it. I look down at my lower half and am clothed in my prom dress from the hospital dance. The one that I wore when Denny died. The one that I wrapped myself in for hours on end on the bathroom floor, grieving over my dead fiance. I see the light and continue on the path, in the elevator that I am brought to. I am traveling up, up up. Ding. The elevator opens, not quite to the top floor yet. When the elevator doors open, I see… George. He is in an army uniform. His hair is shaved, shorter than normal. I give him a partial smile. But, when I realize he is going into the army, I know I have to stop him. The elevator doors quickly shut, leaving George on the highest level, and I am falling down, down, down. The light dulls and I am brought back. I open my eyes to Alex’s tear-stained face. Christina is beside him. George is going into the Army; we have to stop him!

George is gone. He died. Alex broke the news to me when Callie walked in. I was in disbelief then. But, now it is clear. I saw him. He was going up to Heaven. We both were. But, I was brought back, pulled down to Earth. And he ascended upwards. But, being brought back to Earth has its consequences. As I was brought back down, I was faced with the crushing reality that comes with being alive when your people are not. “George would donate everything,” I told Callie.

Oh, George. Besides Christina Yang, George O’Malley was Shonda’s favorite character that she created on Grey’s Anatomy. And, it is easy to understand why. George was the underdog. And everyone loves a good underdog.

When George O’Malley died at the finale of season five, it ripped out the hearts of viewers right then and there. His death left people sad. Not the type of sad when you get a bad grade on a quiz or when your favorite sports team loses. No. It was the type of sad that runs deep into your core. It was the type of sad that makes you shiver. One of the most tragic parts of George’s death is that, initially, no one even realized it was him. A patient came into the ER demolished by a bus. Their face was unrecognizable from all of the bruises, swelling, and crush injuries. George had just left the hospital to go spend the last day before getting deployed with his family. They hadn’t even thought twice about it. At that moment, when the guy came into the ER, the team thought George was at home with his sweet mother and crazy brothers, taking in the last O’Malley moments before leaving for Iraq. This is why, when the patient grabbed Meredith’s hand and traced “OO7” on her palm, Meredith lost her ever-loving mind. She knew, in her heart (or hypothalamus, because the heart doesn't have emotions, as Christina would say), that this patient was George.

Double-O-seven. Licensed to Kill. This was the name George got on the first day when he ripped the patient’s cecum as he was attempting an appendectomy. George was the patient that got hit by the bus. It was George. And it was later realized by the team that he ran in front of a bus to push a woman out of the way. He died a hero. That is what George’s death symbolizes: honor. While he never got to attend to soldier’s injuries as a trauma surgeon in Iraq, he died a hero, nonetheless.

There was always a lot of tension between George and Alex. Alex Karev, also known as evil spawn, was just that: an evil spawn. He started off as this guy with the chip on his shoulder, and he always, always, always made George feel small to make himself feel big. During their intern year, George was the one who saved the patient in the elevator by performing open heart surgery during his intern year. It was just Alex and George stuck in the elevator with a dying patient that had a gunshot wound to his chest. Alex just stood there, too stunned to move. But George acted. He became known as “heart in the elevator guy”. He was a hero then..

When Izzie’s whole body was filled with chemo, she struggled to make it down the aisle. When George caught the first glimpse of this, he stepped up and walked her down the aisle and shook Alex’s hand, giving Izzie off to him on their wedding day. He was a hero then...

George is also a hero to all of the people that receive his organs. He continues living on through them. He has represented heroism and honor from the moment he walked into Seattle Grace, and his death was nothing short of that. He lives on as a hero...

The specific episode and way in which the audience is presented with his death is unique. It is hours after she got the operation meant to cut out the cancer in her brain. Izzie is in V-fib, her heart is not pumping enough blood to keep her alive. Meanwhile, we see Derek operating on George, his brain is swelling out of his skull. Then, we get this scene where the two meet in the elevator: it symbolizes the path to Heaven. George in his army uniform and Izzie is dressed in her hospital prom dress, both outfits representative of the two characters. George stopped living when he decided he was going to join the army, physically. He declared his news to the hospital and when he left, he died. Izzie stopped living when Denny died, when she was clothed in her hospital prom dress, metaphorically. She did not truly die then, but a part of her soul did. She is about to be reunited with her dead fiancé, and it makes sense that she is wearing the same outfit to Heaven as she was when Denny took his last breath.

Throughout the show, Izzie and George have a lot of relationship development. They go from friends to lovers to best friends. But, through it all, George is Izzie’s person. Izzie is George’s person. The fact that Izzie’s near death scene and George’s death scene are intertwined is symbolic of their connection. It also represents rite of passage. George’s time is complete; Izzie’s is not. And so, Izzie gets brought back, and George remains in Heaven; we see this when the elevator door closes and Izzie wakes up. For the rest of Izzie’s life, a part of her heart will beat for both Denny and George.

Bailey’s relationship with both Izzy and George is also worth exploring. When Izzie was diagnosed with cancer, Bailey was the one that swooped in, like a mother duck. Bailey called Izzie’s mother, devised her plan of treatment and checked on her every free moment she got. She also helped Izzie and Alex get their fairytale wedding. Even after all of the trouble and trauma that Izzie caused Bailey from the Denny situation, Bailey treated Izzie as her own. She loved her, scolded her, held her, cried with her, and taught her.

Bailey’s relationship with George is also as a mother-figure, but it is different. George is Bailey’s favorite intern, and through the entire show, this never waivers. Not when George fails his exam and has to repeat his intern year. Not when George cheats on Callie with Izzie. Not when he tells her he is leaving to join the army. Bailey is a tough nut to crack. Shonda Rhimes created Miranda Bailey after her own mother, Vera Rhimes. Miranda Bailey is the same as Vera Rhimes down to the instrument that they both played in high school (in case you were curious, it was the oboe). Miranda Bailey, just like Vera Rhimes, is a great judge of character. She is not easy to please or impress. So, the fact that she loved George, is proof of his exceptional character.

The Merger: October 15th, 2009

Christina:

I’m was sipping my coffee, and I saw the new hospital sign cristen Seattle Grace into Seattle Grace Mercy West. Everything was changing, not just the hospital name but the staff that ran it, the people it housed, the whole philosophy. My thoughts were all interrupted when this pretty boy that sported these hideous orange scrubs ran into me.

This is gonna be a great day, I thought to myself. They have come. They have invaded. Let the games begin. Although, I don’t know what I am fighting for; my Cardio God is gone.

Since I don't have a cardio god to kiss up to, I decided to go to the ER and report to Owen. I was face-to-face with pretty boy, again. I ran quicker and faster up to Owen and asked him where I was needed. Except pretty boy interrupted. I heard nothing except stupidity fall from his mouth. Apparently his name is Jackson Avery, but I prefer calling him pretty boy. He proposed this dumb idea about zones. Zones? In the ER? What is this a school?

Except all of the sudden I heard Owen explain that he loves the idea. “I’m sorry what?” I definitely said that out loud. Owen repeated that he loves that idea. All of the sudden, we were running around in these cutesy little zones like we were in a damn Kindergarten classroom. I made a promise to myself in that moment that I’ll win next time. Pretty boys never beat me because they never can. A few minutes passed, and I was still keeping tabs on him. I saw a new chart in his hand, and it was go time. One, two, RUN. Time flashes before my eyes and the next thing I was doing was assessing the patient with the same chart that was in pretty boy’s hands just a few seconds ago. I must have took it out of his hands. He’s mine, I flashed my best smirk and rolled away with the gurney. Chaos erupted– all out screams in the ER. But, I didn't care. It was just me and my scalpel fixing the patient’s stab wound. The adrenaline was pumping through my veins once again, and it filled me with pure joy. That is why I do what I do. That feeling. There isn’t a better one in the world, besides of course when I’m holding an actual heart in my hands.

Lexie:

Oh my god. Like, ohhhh myyyy gooddddd. She is just so annoying, it's all just so annoying: her voice of high-pitched squeaks, that scrunched little face she makes when she is trying to outdo you, that little journal she carries with her, and those hideous orange scrubs. It’s all just UGH! Annoying. I mean, I’m for God Sake’s and I can’t even come up with a better word to describe her besides well, ANNOYING.

Our patient came in and was hit by a golf club. And April, her highness, needed to have the police officers by us. I mean, yes, he was a burglar, but not an ax murderer. Or a serial killer. He had spinal injuries and after seeing the CT scans, I knew exactly what to do. I told Dr. Shepherd that he had vertebral height loss greater than 50%, meaning that both A.L.L and P.L.L were disrupted. Therefore, my suggestion was decompression via corpectomy and reconstruction with strut graft and anterior instrumentation. Boom. Point 1 for Lexipedia. Dr. Shepherd even said that April is out of my league because of my photographic memory. Take that, April. What kind of name is April anyway?

Well, I thought it was point 1 for Lexipedia, but then she suggested transpedicle screws with a posterior approach. I smirked, but, Dr. Shepherd loved the idea. “Let’s go with the transpedicle screws,” he said. WHAT KIND OF BROTHER-IN-LAW ARE YOU? I tried to tell to him with a single look.

I was wheeling our patient, Billy the Burglar, to his room when he held something up to me. It sport a red cover and was approximately 6 inches wide and 9 inches long. He had this smile on his face. Oh my god, I thought to myself. Our patient stole April’s journal. My impulsivity kicks in, and I grabbed it to flip through the pages. They were filled with sayings:

I am the only one who can bring myself down
I’m not a good doctor, I’m a great one
I’m the future of medicine

But, the best part is. She got a RHINOPLASTY. I’m going to try my hardest not to stoop down to the level of the invaders, not to be as mean and vile. But, if push comes to shove, I’m using this later.

She prepped him already. For surgery. She prepped him. THAT WAS MY JOB. Oh, it’s on. Rage takes over. Jealousy mixed with rage. I’m about to cross a line, but I can’t stop. “Dr. Shepherd did you know that Dr. Kepner is the future of medicine. She isn’t just a good doctor, she’s a great one. The only one that can get you down is yourself!” Instantly, the tears welled in her eyes. I really did cross a line there

After surgery, I apologized to her. I made it clear that I don’t like her, but that I am sorry for what I did. Tomorrow is a new day. I will be better, faster, stronger. But, I won’t have to become a thief to do it. I really need a drink. it is!

"Joe's"

"Lexipedia"

Izzie:

I tried. Oh, I tried so hard. I brought him coffee, and I gave him the code to the research library that took me months to figure out. But, I heard him call me his surgical bitch, and the trailer park girl in me came out. He got into my head. And as a result, my patient lost the kidney and almost died.

I’m fired. I’m done. I am leaving. Not just Grey Sloan, but Seattle. Nothing has been the same. Now, these Mercy Westers are here. I just can’t keep up. I can’t do it anymore. I need time. I need a new life. I left a note in Alex’s locker and am writing this from the plane I am seated on. Kansas. I am going to start a new life there. Somewhere where it doesn’t rain everyday. Somewhere where I will be able to feel the sun on my skin for at least part of the year. Somewhere where I can raise animals and have a farm. Somewhere that doesn’t dull my light.

Being a surgeon isn’t what I am meant for. A doctor, yes. A surgeon, no. I have been looking into oncology programs. My time in Seattle has come to an end, for now. I am planning on sending Alex the divorce papers in a couple weeks, after I get settled. He doesn’t know where I am, but he doesn’t need to. It isn’t fair of me to hold him back. He is going to be a great surgeon and he doesn’t need me to be there as his responsibility. Someone that he needs to remind to take pills, someone that he needs to constantly worry about. I wouldn’t be telling the truth if I said it was all for him, though. I am doing this for me too. The truth is, since Denny died, I haven’t been the same. When Denny died, he took a piece of my soul with him. Seeing Denny when I was hallucinating and full of cancer reminded me of that. Alex was a great husband, but Denny was the true love of my life. I want my light back. I want my fight back. And a new start is how I am going to get it.

Who knows if Alex and I will ever cross paths again. I will always love him. I helped turn him from that wrestler douchebag into a caring man. He still has flaws, but we all do. I wish him the very best.

Callie:

YOU CAN’T PRAY AWAY THE GAY!!!!

Catholic guilt sucks. I’m not even feeling guilty. I’m feeling angry, sad, and disappointed. These are probably all of the feelings that my dad is experiencing too. He flew 3,000 miles to try and make me straight. He brought Father Kevin with him. He flew my childhood priest 3,000 miles to try and guilt me into only loving men. I don’t understand why thirty years of a relationship is wiped away because I am attracted to women.

Arizona is being so amazing with it all. She understands. She is literally a lesbian who understands where my homophobic father is coming from. I mean, she is just incredible. She did make good points: I have loved men my whole life. I mean, growing up he yelled at me for staying out too late with boys. Now, I am the one switching things up. It doesn’t give him an excuse. Me changing doesn’t give him a reason to act like this. But, I guess I have to give him some time.

The Merger is one of the most iconic moments in the show. Many things change from this point forward: one of them being the hospital name. Seattle Grace is now known as Seattle Grace Mercy West. The two hospitals- Seattle Grace and Mercy West- became one, and as such, half of the staff from each hospital has to go, and half gets to stay. So, we pick up new residents and drop some of our old ones. April and Jackson are two of the new residents that get added to our journey, and they are here to stay.

Christina and Jackson’s competition begins in this episode. They both want to be cardiothoracic surgeons, badly. We are shown a different side of Christina in this episode, though. She cries to Meredith about not having a Cardio God. The crying entails full on bitch baby tears. Christina is a wreck because for what seems like the first time in her life, she doesn't have a mentor to latch onto. Preston Burke, her first Cardio God and ex fiancé, left. Then, Erica Hahn, the second best thing to Burke, fled. Christina is one of the biggest brown-nosers that exists, and we are shown in this episode that sucking up is the mechanism that she thrives on. All throughout her life, Christina has used attraction as a way to get ahead. Starting in undergrad, she lost her virginity to her organic chemistry TA. Then, throughout medical school she slept with her professors to get on their research projects. Finally, she started sleeping with Dr. Burke, the genius cardiothoracic attending as an attempt to get to the top. So without a Cardiothoracic God, she is lost. What Christina doesn’t realize (yet) is that she doesn’t need to kiss up to anyone to be the best. She is already the best on her own. The merger is the peak of this realization. Jackson provides Christina with real competition; he is someone who wants cardio almost as much as her. So, on Day 1 of the merger, she gets all of her bitch baby tears out about not having a cardio god, and from then on, she hits the gas. She learns that she is really good on her own. So, when Tedy Altman, the next Cardio God comes, Christina doesn’t kiss up at first. In fact, she harbors many doubts about Teddy. The merger teaches Christina that she is the best because she is Christina Yang.

Jackson and April are two of the Mercy Westers that we meet in this episode. While we don’t learn much about the depth of their characters, we get the surface level, first impressions of them. Jackson appears to be this suave, hot-shot, jock resident with magical eyes. He seems to be sure of himself and prepared. But, we later learn that this is a facade he puts on. April appears to be this know-it-all who idolizes Dr. Shepherd. Most people that watch Grey’s Anatomy watch this episode and instantly hate April. Lexie is a fan favorite, so anyone that tries to compete or outdo her is destined for hatred. However, I relate to April deeply. From beginning to end of April’s journey on the show, I see myself in her. We are both the girl who wants so badly to be liked. To be respected. To be honored. The girl who wants to get the right answers but is slightly unsure of ourselves. We are constantly looking over our shoulders. April has one of the best character developments throughout the show, and the merger serves as the meeting of the initial April Kepner.

My (and Shonda’s) favorite line in all of Grey’s Anatomy is shouted by Callie during Day 1 of the merger: “YOU CAN’T PRAY AWAY THE GAY!”

This episode aired on October 19th, 2009. LGBTQIA+ individuals have existed since the beginning of time. But, many people dismissed their existence. Not Shonda Rhimes. Never Shonda Rhimes. Callie Torres was raised as a devote Catholic and still identifies as one. She has a lot of internal struggle with her sexuality. Erica Hahn was the first woman that Callie Torres was romantically and sexually attracted to. Callie realized that she was bisexual during her relationship with Erica. While Erica served as Callie’s first, Arizona serves as Callie’s truest love. Arizona identifies as a lesbian, who has always been completely sure about her sexuality. So, when Callie’s father doesn’t understand the "sudden change" in Callie, Arizona steps in. The speech that Arizona gives to Callie’s dad is one of the most profound in all of Grey's Anatomy. Shonda Rhimes explains that it gave so many children, teens, and adults the courage to come out to their families, and it goes as follows:

“Most people think I was named for the state, but it’s not true. I was named for a battle ship. The U.S.S. Arizona. My grandfather was serving on the Arizona when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, and he saved 19 men before he drowned. Pretty much everything my father did his whole life was about honoring that sacrifice. I was raised to be a good man in a storm. Raised me to love my country. To love my family. To protect the things I love. When my father - Colonel Daniel Robbins, the United States Marine Corps - heard that I was a lesbian, he said he had only one question. I was prepared for, "How fast can you get the hell out of my house?” But instead, it was, “Are you still who I raised you to be?” My father believed in country the way that you believe in God. And my father is not a man who bends, but he bent for me because I’m his daughter. I’m a good man in a storm. I love your daughter. And I protect the things that I love. Not that I need to. She doesn’t need it. She’s strong, and caring, and honorable. She’s who you raised her to be.” (Arizona Robbins, Grey’s Anatomy, 2009).

This speech is everything. I still get tears in my eyes and a swell in my chest after reading it. Arizona tells us that you bend for the people you love. You sacrifice your beliefs for the people you love. You listen closely to the concerns of the people you love. After this speech, along with one given in Shonda Rhimes's other hit show, How to Get Away with Murder, her inbox and mailbox were filled with thank-you’s. Rhimes wrote this in 2009, six years before gay marriage was legalized across the United States. This scene revolutionized television for the LGBTQIA+ community. There are many things that have changed in the show over time, that have evolved and would be considered very different from today’s standards. But, not this episode. Not Arizona’s speech. It still stands, and its message remains equally as strong to this day. The message of it seems pretty obvious in 2023. But, in 2009, it created a revolution. A good one. A great one. A necessary one.

The line “you can’t pray away the gay” is directed at the people that hide behind their religion as their excuse for not accepting others that are different from themselves. These types of people perpetuate a division among society, communities, and families. So, when Callie Torres’s Catholic father hugs his bisexual daughter and asks what she will wear to her wedding and how many kids she wants, it gives hope to others by showing America that you can’t and shouldn't pray away the gay.

Post-Hospital Shooting: May 20th, 2010

Christina

I will never be the same again. Surgery will never be the same for me again. Anytime I close my eyes, I can feel the sting of his pistol against my temple. I can hear his screams full of rage with every move I make. I can hear Meredith yelling with angst. I can see the bullet hole in Derek’s ventricle. Anytime I close my eyes, I just see, hear, and feel that moment. All the joy that the operating room brought me in the past has been replaced. Replaced by fear. Replaced by trauma. Replaced by horror.

It is quite incredible how much good can be wiped out by just one bad thing. One bad person. One bad moment. It only takes one bad to wipe out so much good.

I used to think that the most important thing in the world was the feeling of holding a beating heart in your hands. The feeling of knowing exactly where the problem is and exactly how you are going to solve it. The rush when you have a scalpel in your hands. But no. Those are not the most important things. Living. That is the most important thing.

We are not safe anywhere, anymore. Not in schools. Not in stores. Not in our homes. Not at gas stations, or at restaurants. Not in the operating room. The operating room used to be my safe haven. When getting gowned and gloved before operating, the sympathetic activity increase led my heart to beat, faster and faster. Boom boom. Boom boom. So loud I could hear it in my chest. But, simultaneously, there was nowhere else that brought me as much calm, as much clarity, and as much peace than standing over an unhealthy heart, knowing I would be the one to make it healthy again. Until. Now. Now, when I walk into the OR, my heart beats faster and faster. But it is not in that rhythmic, calming way that I loved. It races, without a pattern. My brain senses DANGER. It sends signals all throughout my body, perceiving the OR as a place of fear. People die here. I almost died here. Not because of a surgery that I was or was not going to have. No. I almost died here because of a gunman. I always thought I wanted to die operating, doing what I loved. Not anymore. There are so many more important things in life. My time as a surgeon appears to be complete. As of about an hour ago, I am no longer a surgical resident at Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital. I am now just Christina Yang. It is time for me to find peace in something else, somewhere else.

April:

These are the words that I uttered to him right before he told me to run:

“My name- My name is April Kepner. I’m twenty-eight years old. I- I was born on April 23rd in Oh-Ohio. I’m from Columbus, Ohio. Umm, my mom- my mom is a teacher and my- my dad is a farmer. Corn- Corn- He grows corn. Their- Their names are Karen and Joe. I have three sisters. Libby’s the oldest, I’m next- then there’s Kimmy & Alice. I-I- haven’t done anything yet. I haven’t. I’ve barely lived. I’m not finished yet. No one’s loved me and- please. I’m someone’s child! I’m a person. I’m a…”

I read that if a shooter knows more about you, knows that you are a real person, that you bring value to others, that they are less likely to kill you. So, when he shook the gun at me and screamed “RUN,” I fled for my life. But, when I turned around and saw Derek getting shot, I knew then and there that it was my fault.

He killed my best friend. Took her from me. From us. From this earth. I will never forget the way she looked lying there, lifeless. Her eyes were staring right at me, but there was nothing behind them. Nothing there. Blood doesn’t bother me because I grew up on a farm. I’ve watched pigs get slaughtered. So much blood. That is nothing like this. I could see the next side of the room through the bullet hole in her head. So that’s when I got Derek, but then it all went to Hell after that. The shooter was looking for Derek. But, I swear I had no idea. And it only got worse…

I was in the OR scrub room with Meredith and turned around to see shooter holding a gun to Christina’s head while she and Jackson were operating on Derek. The gun was pressing against Christina's head. But, I had to tell Meredith that it was all okay. Her back was to the OR, and she was ducking by the sinks because Christina kicked her out of Derek’s surgery. On top of that, Meredith was actively miscarrying. It was a tragic nightmare.

My PTSD doesn't seem as bad as the others’, though. I think it’s because I live life with a shell around me. An invisible, thick shield that wraps me tightly, almost suffocating me. The only thing that can get past this shield is the words: Virgin Mary, Little Red, The Dud, Shepherd's Flunky, Perky Patty, Ducky. All of the nicknames that I harbor are true reflections of how I think of myself. I cry into my diary at night, letting the tears splash onto the pages, darkening them. But, when I am in the presence of others, I brighten up. I can’t let anyone know that those nicknames keep me up at night. So, I guess I have just been used to hiding my trauma. And the shooting, while vastly more severe, is really no different. It is trauma. It isn't that I am more fine than everyone else; it is that I am better at hiding it.

Meredith and I have gotten closer, though. She tells me about her OBGYN appointments and has been letting me live in her house with Jackson, Lexie, and Alex. I think Lexie is secretly jealous of our budding friendship. And, while I try to live my life like a Christian through and through, her jealousy makes me a little happy. Serves her right for stealing my diary during Day 1 of the Merger.

During Trauma Certification Day, which was a few months after the shooting, I really made my mark. Dr. Hunt set out a bunch of test dummies and we had to save them. I seemed to be the only one taking them seriously. They weren’t test dummies to me; they were people with pumping organs and flesh. And so, I treated them that way, AND I WON!!!! Alex and I did it. He definitely thinks I am insane, but I don’t care. With Christina gone and Meredith excused from the certification, that was my time to step up, and I did!! Not only did I win, but I think I found the specialty for me. With trauma, the adrenaline is consistently pumping. There is no time for uncertainty, contemplation, or mistakes. I have always felt a sense of calmness amidst chaos. In fact, I give into the chaos, but that is when I feel most like myself. My calm is when I am acting like a storm. Trauma is the one specialty where that is the norm. Yang has cardio, Alex has peds. But, trauma is mine.

Alex:

Everyone kept blabbing at me to get the bullet out of my chest. I didn’t know why. Why was it anyone else’s choice what stays in my body? I lived. I was fine. But, Dr. Bailey gave me her little speech about it being a reminder of that day. Everytime she looked at me, she would remember getting dragged by her feet out from under the hospital bed by the shooter. The bullet hole would’ve been her elevator. I got shot in that elevator, and now everytime I look at it I am right back there. Right back on that floor of the elevator bleeding out from getting shot. The elevator is my reminder of that day. I can’t change that. Dr. Webber is right- I can’t take the stairs forever. Hospitals need elevators. But, I have the power to take this bullet hole out of my chest. I can make it just a little easier for Dr. Bailey to be here. And so, I let her cut it out of me. I mean, chicks would’ve dug it. But, Dr. Bailey really is more important.

Jackson:

Everyone loves my eyes, but not as much as they love my abs. When I’m wearing a shirt, people stare at my eyes; when I’m shirtless they stare at my abdomen. My eight pack of abs look like they are spray painted on my body. This is not ignorance, it is truth. And I know that because people have stopped looking at me in my eyes. They don’t look at my abdomen, either. Anytime I am at the hospital and they see me, people look away. And then, they whisper. Ever since the shooting, I am not pretty boy. I am freak boy. The boy who almost got shot. The boy who kept operating on Derek. The boy who lost his best friend. Percy died in Dr. Bailey’s arms. He’s gone. Reed’s gone. I never liked being thought of as a Pretty Boy. But now, I want it back.

I am not myself. I am dropping OR trays and seeing blood everywhere. I would be a disgrace to the Avery name if my mom saw me this way. I have never been really confident in myself. The truth is, this Pretty Boy thing is just an act. I am not rough. I am not overflowing with testosterone to the point where I feel the need to tackle everything I see. I am not disrespectful to women. NEVER. I am diplomatic. I am calm. But, now I don’t even know who I am. I am competing for Cardio with Christina for what?? Why?? I don’t even like Cardio, but my mother thinks of it as a “hardcore specialty”. And yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds. I am almost thirty years old and following my mom’s orders. But, if you had a mother like mine, you would understand. When she heard about this shooting, she begged me to transfer to Mass Gen and move to Boston. “Your legacy is here” she reminded me that good ole Grandpa Harper Avery (yes, the same Harper Avery that awards are named after) works there. As if I forgot.

This shooting has caused a ripple through me. But, I have to stay. I want to stay. We all went through something together. Something that no one else understands. Something that no one else should have to go through. But, we did it. We survived. I don’t really know why. Why was I chosen to stay and Percy was picked to go? I have asked myself that every day. They don’t talk about the survivor’s guilt enough. When they talk about shootings, you hear all about the PTSD, the trauma, the behavior patterns it causes later in life. But, you never hear about the survivor’s guilt. All of us know what each other is feeling. And I can’t say that about anyone else.

The shooting serves as another turning point in Grey’s Anatomy. From this point forward, there are no more Mercy-Westers and Seattle-Gracers, they are the Seattle Grace Mercy Westers. Trauma bonding is a real phenomenon. It happens plenty of times throughout this show: from plane crashes to storms and wedding fiascos to family dysfunction. The shooting, though, is one of the major displays of this that we see. Gary Clark, the distraught husband of a deceased patient that Derek, Lexie, April, and Dr. Webber operated on, is the shooter. The entire episode leaves us on pins and needles. But, one of the most tragic pieces of information about this episode is that it aired in 2010. That is 13 years ago. We have had 13 years. And yet, we are still living in a society that has made no progress. I watch this episode and cry. Every. Single. Time. Because Reed and Percy could’ve been my best friends. They could have been my cousins or siblings. When will change happen? When? Because it has been 13 years since Shonda Rhimes tried to tell America to do something about it, and so far– no one has.

One of the most severe consequences is Christina’s PTSD. Christina and Jackson are the two still remaining that had it the worst. They were the two operating on Derek with the bullet in his chest while the shooter pointed a gun at them. They saved Derek, but in the process ruined themselves. Jackson drops trays in the OR and Christina literally hides and shakes under the table. During Trauma Certification Day, Christina quits. She stops being a surgeon. And this is one of the most monumental moments that marks the beginning of this pattern. Christina faces trauma and then quits. We have seen this before and we are surely going to see it again. The same thing happened to Derek a year before. He lost a pregnant patient when he had to cut out her temporal and frontal lobe. The trauma got to him, so he quit. We see this happen to Dr. Bailey when she thinks that she was the cause of a patient’s death. It happens to Levi Schmidt when he loses his first patient, which then leads to the suspension of Grey Sloan’s residency program. The idea of “you fall, so get back up again” is highly overstated in this show. When Levi Schmidt lost his patient, I knew exactly what was going to happen: he was going to quit, go through some monumental journey to “find himself”, only to come right back to where he was before. When Christina quit, we knew this wasn’t going to be the end of her career. Her career is her world. Her life. Her purpose. Not only did I know that she was going to come back, but all of the doctors at Seattle Grace knew it too. It is important to exemplify that it is okay to not be okay. But, to have such a predictable storyline while doing it is not the best technique. So, spoiler alert, Christina does come back. She comes back and thrives, as if she never left.

Weddings with a side of some not weddings

Not only is Shonda Rhimes a world-renowned writer and show producer, but she is also a professional wedding planner. For Grey’s Anatomy, that is. Shonda Rhimes has picked every single detail of every single wedding on Grey’s Anatomy. We have attended a total of seventeen weddings as an audience. Each wedding dress, every engagement ring, all of the bridesmaids dresses, the venues, EVERYTHING has been planned meticulously and strategically by Shonda Rhimes, and Shonda Rhimes alone. Why is this, you ask? She says it's because she loves weddings. I completely believe that. Shonda Rhimes loves parties, and weddings are the best type of party in my opinion. Not because of the white dresses and annoying tears, but because of the PARTY. Regardless, I do think there is more there than just the fact that she “loves weddings” because almost every single wedding in Grey’s Anatomy has ended as a calamity.

Shonda Rhimes adamantly broadcasts that she never wants to get married. She had an amazing long-term boyfriend who loved her to her core, who made her laugh, and who loved her daughters. Yet, marriage wasn’t for her. It isn’t because she grew up in a broken home either– her parents had the epitome of a fairytale love story– according to Shonda. Something about marriage just doesn’t sit right with her. The legal part, the money part, the divorce part. Shonda doesn’t believe in divorce. EVER. Which is also ironic because out of all seventeen of our weddings, more than half have ended in divorce. Some have even gotten divorced multiple times (hint, hint: Owen). Regardless, Shonda doesn’t ever want to be married. So, instead of using all of her creative energy on her own wedding (which will never happen), she took the bottled up wedding juice creativity she has and sprinkled them across the characters. Sometimes, plots happen because there is no other choice. Actors leave. Characters have no more story left, and so they die, as we learned earlier. But, I can unequivocally say that every wedding does have a purpose. Every wedding propels our story forward in some way. Some weddings conform to the standards of the time, and others shatter boundaries. Some weddings end in smiles and others end with tears (and not the good kind). Some of the weddings involve long-harbored declarations, some involve overbearing parents, others show the importance of chosen family. Each wedding is a thread that sews our story together.

Burke & Christina’s Wedding: 2007

Christina:

I’m free. I am finally free. Free of his reigns. Free of his power. Free from his decisions. I have never felt the taste of freedom like I do now. Do not be mistaken, I am flooded with sadness. He is gone. He left with no trace of where he was going. But, I think what I am really sad about is the fact that I lost my teacher. I lost the person that I set out to be. It is true, there is no one like Preston Burke. No one can perform as seamless stitches, rendering the heart completely clean with no trace of the surgery. No one has performed as many successful CABGs. No one has mastered the art of carotid surgery as well as he has. All of those things are what I was in love with. I was not in love with Preston Burke, my fiancé. I was in love with Dr. Burke, head of cardiothoracic surgery at Seattle Grace. So, while I am filled with sorrow and regret from head to toe, it is not because it took me too long to be convinced to wear this damn white dress. It is not because I couldn’t be convinced sooner to want to change my last name, or to have to live with Mama as a mother-in-law. It is truthfully because my mentor is gone.

Burke:

I was just asking way too much of her. She was doing it all for me: the white dress and the bridesmaids and the ceremony and the vows. I have had this feeling for awhile. This feeling of knowing that I was going to eventually push her just a little too hard. Not just in the OR, but in life. We are a lot alike, Christina and I. But, we are also so incredibly different. Sometimes, it seemed as if our similarities stopped once we got out of work. I am a traditional man. I believe in the importance of family, of big weddings, of children, of God. She doesn’t believe in any of those things.

I think she loved the idea of having me. Of having someone who understood the power of holding a beating heart in your hands. She loved my talent, my skill. She loved a holographic version of me. The version she made up in her mind.

The wedding was just the beginning of a road of differences. And that is why I had to walk away. There was no other time. No other option.

Burke and Christina’s wedding is the first of seventeen that we attend. We start with the preparations for the big day when Christina has Mama, her soon-to-be mother-in-law, do her eyebrows. And by “do” her eyebrows, I mean she rips them off… completely. Christina Yang is rendered eyebrowless. I always thought that scene was weird and odd. Was it supposed to be funny? Was it supposed to be symbolic? I’m gonna go with symbolic because the wedding day ends worse than it started; the eyebrows are just the beginning of the series of unfortunately fortunate events.

Christina never wanted the big wedding, ceremony, or white dress. But she chooses to take the high road. Since Burke wants it all, she agrees. However, Callie wrote Christina’s vows on her hand for her several hours before the wedding, and they were wiped off when she scrubbed in for surgery. Christina didn’t realize this until she was supposed to walk down the aisle, so she started panicking. Seeing Christina like this was so off-putting because she is normally so sure of herself, so aware and in control. And that’s when it hit me. Christina is normally all of these things, but she wasn’t that day. She was hardly herself, hardly aware, and hardly in control. Your wedding day is supposed to be the day when you feel more sure of yourself and your decision than any other day before. And that’s when it hits Burke. Cue the song Explosions by the Mary Onettes. He walks out. And it’s over. It’s over. It’s so over. As Meredith says ever-so gracefully.

Christina Yang was never meant to be a wife, never meant to be married. She was never meant to be a mother. She was meant to be a surgeon. Purely. Thoroughly. Unequivocally. Even though it is not Christina’s last wedding, the Burke and Yang wedding fiasco symbolizes Christina’s insurgence. When this episode aired, viewers were supposed to feel bad for Burke. Poor Burke. He had found a woman that wasn’t ready to commit. A woman that didn’t want the same things he wanted. That didn’t want to give up her work to be a wife. That didn’t want to change her last name. Well, that is all really controlling, if you ask me. Screw that. Screw Burke. I was chanting “MORE POWER TO YANG!!!!” as Burke walked out.

I never felt bad for Burke; I always felt sorry for Christina. And not because Burke walked away; that was the best thing that ever happened to her. I knew instantly that Burke's departure at the time would make Christina better even though it took Christina seven years to realize it herself. I felt sorry for her because of how trapped she felt in their relationship. I felt bad for her because of how bound she was when she was with him. So many people love Burke and Christina together. They were meant to be, so many people say. When I hear that, it makes me want to gag. I despised them together. Sure, they were both passionate about their careers. Sure, they were both badass cardiothoracic surgeons. But I always thought that Burke clipped Christina’s wings. He never wanted her to be better than him. One of the most prominent scenes in all of Grey’s Anatomy is what happens after their wedding. Christina runs to her apartment, still dressed in her wedding gown and notices that all of Burke’s things are gone. “He’s gone… I’m free!” Christina exclaims. She starts to break down in sobs, while Mer takes scissors to cut her out of her wedding dress. Ingrid Michaelson’s song, Keep Breathing, graces our ears with the perfect melody, because all she can do is keep breathing.

The next time we see Dr. Burke is seven years later. He moved to Switzerland and opened his own hospital. He has been following Christina Yang’s work since he left. We learn that he got married to another woman whom he loves and had two children with her. He found a wife that was willing to give up her career as a surgeon to support Burke’s dreams. But, Christina Yang was also happily married: to her work. Burke explained that she lived up to his wildest dreams and was everything he hoped she would become. He offers Christina Yang his entire hospital, as he is ready to become a “family man” and give it all up for his wife.

Their story is full circle. I believe that this evolution parallels the evolution that we have seen throughout society. In 2007, Burke expected Christina to give, to change, to morph into what he wanted her to be. But, in 2014, Burke is giving up all of his career and dreams for his wife, the woman by his side. Burke has grown. Christina has grown. They are two different people, now. Christina is more sure of herself, of her life’s goal, and of her purpose. Burke is willing to sacrifice his goals, his work, and his dream for the love of his life. The growth of these two characters separately is greater than they ever could have achieved if they were together.

Callie & Arizona’s Wedding: 2011

Callie:

I tried once to tell my father that you can’t pray away the gay. And, I guess it worked because he came. When him and my mother left at first, I can’t even begin to express what I was feeling. Distraught. Anger. Shame. All of the feelings that I felt when I first came out resurfaced. But, through it all, Arizona was my constant. And Sophia. Our baby. I can’t quite put my finger on what was worse for my mother: my gayness or my baby out of wedlock. I wished her and my sister were there with me. But, my father has been my person since I was little. Which is why I was even more heartbroken when he left. The thought of him not being able to spin me around at our father-daughter dance left me sick. So, when he came back right then, all became clear. I had my father. Our wedding may not have any legal significance yet, but it means just the same. As Bailey put it “you do not need the law or a priest or your mother to make your wedding real. The church can be anywhere you want it to be in a field on a mountain, right here in this room, anywhere. Because where do you think God is? He’s in you. He’s in me. Right here in the middle of us. Your church just hasn’t caught up to God yet. Your mother hasn’t caught up to God yet and, by the way, she may never catch up but it’s ok. It’s ok. If you are willing to stand up in front of your friends and family and God and commit yourself to another human being. To give yourself in that kind of partnership in better or worse in sickness and in health, honey, that is a marriage. That is real and that’s all that matters”. I wrote down what she said to me before my wedding. It is something I will read every night. Something I will tell myself when I am faced with people who want to make us, our love feel small. Because it is the truth; God is in me and he is in you. Bailey’s words will forever be engraved on note paper in my dresser.

April x Matthew x Jackson: 2013

Jackson:

It was now or never. I could feel my heart beating in my chest and radiating to my hands, my legs. The sound of my heartbeat was deafening. At first, I instantly stood up and sat back down. What am I thinking? Wait… I know exactly what I am thinking. And that is when I stood back up and said:

“April, I love you,” I said. “I always have. I love everything about you. Even the things I don’t like, I love. And I want you with me. I love you, and I think that you love me too…. Do you?”

I felt real love for her. Ever since that first day at Mercy West. And, I had her, she had me. We had each other; we were always there for each other. But, then, I let her get away and fall through my fingertips. So, her wedding was the only time left. Honestly, I have never felt that way before. I just acted. I let my muscles take over. It was the first time in my life that I didn’t feel bound by external factors: my mother, my grandfather, my last name. It was the first time I did something purely because I knew it was right, not because anyone else was telling me it was right. And honestly, I am going to be chasing that feeling for the rest of my life.

April:

I am a good girl. I play by the rules. I like checklists. I like accuracy. I like order. So, my wedding day with Matthew was planned out by the minute. We had containers full of mints for everyone to take that read “mint to be”. We had boxes with a butterfly for each guest to open during our kiss. Our mothers were ready with their speeches to give during the reception. We had set playlists for the singing and the dancing. Everything was planned. Everything was set. Until it wasn’t. But, I wouldn’t have traded that moment in for anything. Jackson was right, I love him. I always will. Matthew is so good, so kind. He deserved so so so much better. But, for once in my life, I had to choose myself. I had to prioritize my own happiness. I had to take my own life by the reigns. God wants us to live honestly and truthfully. In that moment, there, I lived in that way. When Jackson stood up, I was concerned at first. But then, the words flowed out of his mouth like a monsoon. I parsed each word out so delicately. But when he got to the end “I love you, and I think that you love me too…. Do you?” I knew this was my chance. Screw my sisters. Screw the rules. Screw the checklists. Screw the mints and the butterflies. Jackson is my home.

I think the majority of Grey's Anatomy lovers relate to one of the characters in a special way that stands out against all others. This is either because they have a soft spot for the type of individual that the character is or they see themselves within the character. April Kepner is that character for me. I see so much of myself in her. We have some big differences, of course: religious views, upbringing, hair color. But, at the core, I believe that April and I are very much alike. When she first came into the show, I was cautiously optimistic. She instantly left an impact on me. But, I was a bit skeptical. Because with every new character that comes into the show, skepticism and doubt are brought with them. But, over time, I got to know April more...

She is the dark horse, an underdog. All throughout their residency, she follows the rules to a tee. But, she isn't the one to watch. She isn't the resident that attendings would bet on. But, she becomes the chief resident during their final year of residency. This comes as a shock to everyone, but she rocks at it.

She is a people-pleaser. She doesn't like to step on toes, or make people angered or upset even though she knows exactly what it is she wants to do.

She wants to be liked. She wants to be valued. She wants to be accepted.

April and Matthew's wedding day is a turning point for April because she stops rotely following rules and caring what others think about her for this one moment. She finally acts in a way that she wants. She chooses herself, just like Christina has been doing this whole time. Which is why after she runs away with Jackson, Christina says "I've always been a friend of Kepner's. But now, I'm more than just a friend, I'm a fan". April leaves everyone stunned with her boldness.

When this happened, I was not shocked. I knew it was within her to be this bold. Jackson and April belong together. They are each others' soul mates. The rest of their journey together is rocky, but I have no doubt that they will end up back together again, where they belong.

And then there are some not weddings…

Mark & Lexie:

Lexie:

It didn’t matter that he was sixteen years older than me. It didn’t matter that he was my sister’s husband’s best friend that cheated on his ex-wife. So what if he was a man whore before we were exclusive. None of that mattered. There was just something about him. Something about him that lured me in and kept me wanting more. He literally mends the faces of children and saves burn victims. He is a superhero.

But, now he is going to be a dad. A DAD for God sakes. I can’t be a stepmother. I am thirty years old. I can’t even remember to separate my whites from the darks when I do laundry, let alone learn how to nurture a child. His man-whoreness now led him to be a father, and I just can’t let myself continue down this path. We want different things. So, those things that I wrote earlier ultimately did matter. Our sixteen year age difference did get in the way. My overmaturity and his undermaturity did matter. It wasn’t meant to be. Except soon, everyone will be all over him holding a baby. Those nurses will eat it up. And I’m gonna have to sit here and watch it all unfold.

Mark:

She’s Little Grey. She will always be Little Grey to me. It was more than copying what Derek did. I have paid my shrink way too much money sitting on his couch for him to tell me that I live as if I am Derek’s shadow. He got himself a Grey. so I had to. That’s bullshit. What Lexie and I had was real.

But, I want to be a dad. I want to be this baby’s dad. Callie and Arizona and me.

Mark and Lexie were meant to be. I know it in my heart, and I feel it in my bones. Lexie is a one-of-a-kind girl. She is wickedly smart: they don’t call her Lexipedia for nothing. She is definitely the best intern in her class. She is funny and kind. Mark, on the other hand, is the bad boy. He’s a player. He cheats– on people and on tests. He is driven by money and looks. Even so, there is just something about Mark and Lexie that is so complete.

Workplace harassment is a real issue in the present time and is something that has always been a real issue. At this point, people who haven’t watched the show and experienced their magic might be thinking that this is an example of workplace harassment. The sixteen year age gap. The naive, but at the same time ever-so-smart younger girl with the suave older man, who happens to be her boss. To my readers thinking this right know, I hear ya, I do. I know how this sounds. But, I just can’t agree. Mark and Lexie are one of my favorite combinations of characters on this whole show. The synthesis of Mark and Lexie leads to completeness. Their love is like fireworks. It forms something so colorful and sparkly. Something that adds so much light to the dark sky. But it is dangerous if you get too close, you might get burned. If it lands somewhere forbidden, it might even set it afire. That is what Lexie and Mark’s relationship is: a combination of beautiful colors and hazardous flames. The future of Mark and Lexie is cut short for more reasons than Mark becoming a father. But, I am going to refrain from talking about that now, just to save you some despair.

One final "must-watch" clip

More diary entries and analysis coming: SUMMER 2023

Grey's Anatomy Dictionary:

0-0-7 (duh-bul-oh-seh-vin):

Adjective, Licensed to Kill

My person (my-per-sin):

Noun, Someone who is their rock, their sounding board, their go-to, their support system

Lexipedia (lex-a-pee-dee-uh):

Noun, Nickname given to Lexi Grey, referring to her photographic memory ability, it likens her to an encyclopedia

Joe's (Joh-s):

Noun, The name of the bar across the street from the hospital where all of the doctors go after a long shift

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